If you're an NBA fan, you may be familiar with Zach Lowe's League Pass Rankings. Say you're scrolling the NBA's streaming site for a game to watch: who should you prioritize to maximize your enjoyment?
In that spirit, I'm ranking every USL Championship team in that same vein. Saturday night and you're between a few matches? I'll try and tell you who's going to give you the most bang for your entertainment buck.
Tier 1: Must-See TV
San Diego Loyal
There isn't a more entertaining and flashy team than San Diego, full stop. I'd argue that their press-high, break-fast, possess-with-control style is the peak of fun soccer. At best, you're creating turnovers and constantly manufacturing moments of heightened tension - see the Evan Conway goal against Phoenix.
The Loyal also attack with panache and live dangerously in allowing goalkeeper Koke Vegas to handle the ball a whole lot. Pair that with a good stadium and crowd that project nicely on TV, and you've got a winner. Other notes:
Alejandro Guido is good for a moment of jaw-dropping skill whenever he's on the pitch.
Ronaldo Damus is already scoring bangers.
Torrey green makes for some pretty kits.
Charleston Battery
The Battery are top-four for shots on target and top-seven for shots, and they play an aggressive 4-2-3-1 defensive style that breeds easy-on-the-eye transitions. They've got the "Ben Pirmann Renaissance" angle, and they also benefit from pretty kits. I'm a sucker for the black and yellow stripes. Oh, and have you met Fidel Barajas?
Barajas, a 16-year-old dual national attacker most recently seen tearing up CONCACAF with Mexico, scored his virgin USL banger this March, and his dummy above is every bit as slick. He's part of a really young and fun midfield alongside Tristan Trager, Nick Markanich, and Arturo Rodriguez to boot. Maybe I'm riding too high on early returns, but Charleston is a blast.
El Paso Locomotive
If you haven't heard, Denys Kostyshyn is a stone-cold killer. The Ukrainian attacker has a goal to his name already, and he's in the 97th percentile for shots per 90 minutes and the 86th for fouls drawn on the right for the Locomotive. Next to Marc Navarro, another new addition, you're guaranteed for some fun with this El Paso side.
A team being good isn't the only team that makes them compelling. Bence Pavkovics is a crazy good dribbler for a center back, and I'll always go to bat for Yuma's hair and shithousing, but they're so dang mistake prone. A lot of the blame falls on the club's No. 6s or lack thereof, but it also means you're seeing a lot of two-way action when El Paso plays.
Oh, and Duke Keith on the mic. Enough said.
Tier 2: Good Hangs
Phoenix Rising
There are plenty of arguments to make for Phoenix beyond Juan Guerra's all-black fashion and glowering charm, but let's just lay the cards on the table. A given 90 minutes of soccer see the ball out of play for about 30 minutes, meaning we're getting way too many cuts to the sideline. Coach steez matters!
On the pitch, Guerra's use of way-too-aggressive wingbacks is a blast, and Phoenix still has the spectre of a crazily mistake-prone 2022 defense lingering to add to the fun. Skill-wise, Fede Varela is already dishing out wonderfully chipped through balls, and I'll vouch for Danny Trejo as the most exciting ball-carrier in the USL.
Phoenix is recklessly possessive through goalkeeper Rocco Rios Novo, and they're the only team out there that plays less than 10% of their passes long - San Antonio is three times as direct! Give me Rising's style.
Louisville City
Danny Cruz's team is the patron saint of the high back line, and that usually helps LouCity limit opponents in the press and keep possession for themselves in exciting attacking areas. Amidst injuries and squad changes in 2023, that same style has resulted in the joy of calamitous defending.
Louisville traditionally runs a wildly successful offside trap, and that simply hasn't worked this season. They're down from a USL-best 3.2 offsides against per game to 0.6 this year, and they're allowing more shots. A three-goal loss to El Paso in which defenders Ramzi Qawasmy and Sean Totsch could never find chemistry is indicative of the trend, but it's also kind of fun to see! Havoc sells.
That's not to say that this team doesn't bring moments of magic anymore. Brian Ownby has a goal and two assists already, Enoch Mushagalusa is still a wickedly quick magician on the dribble, and the overall talent level renders Louisville a super fun hang.
Indy Eleven
Mark Lowry is doing intense Mark Lowry things, so Indy naturally leads the USL with an average 62% share of possession. Even so, the Eleven are second-from-bottom in the league for shots on target, more than two standard deviations below par.
My argument here is for the sickos: this is the prettiest midfield out there. I published a short thread breaking down how Jack Blake, Cam Lindley, and especially Aodhan Quinn are masters of movement, but the numbers also bolster their case. Quinn and Blake are top-quarter centermen for expected goals, and Lindley is in the 99th percentile for pass completions.
Pair the skill with the vocal stylings of Greg Rakestraw and Brad Hauter in commentary, and you've got me sold.
FC Tulsa
On the sly, few teams out there are as experimental and interesting in attack as Blair Gavin's Tulsa. Need proof? See:
Ruxi, a left back, playing as a central midfielder to force defensive rotations.
Full backs and wingers entirely trading places with the ball.
Marcus Epps doing the dang thing.
Plus, Blaine Ferri - ostensibly a holding midfielder can go and score iconic goals like this:
Tulsa loses some points for the baseball diamond and a weirdly quite audio mix that undercuts a good commentary team, but they're fun.
Sacramento Republic
You'll find that I'm a bit skeptical of defense-first teams, but that doesn't hold true with the Republic. For one thing, I find their system fun to watch for its level of organization. They're bottom-five for possession, but they also remain within one standard deviation of par in terms of long passing; Sacramento plays with control.
The x-factor in California's capital is the high concentration of magicians in attack. Rodrigo Lopez, ya heard of him? Russell Cicerone has already injected an extra shade of spontaneity to the attack, and Jack Gurr combines with Luis Felipe to form one of the most underrated duos in the league.
Memphis 901
Surprising, right? A team that might be terrible - see my latest Power Rankings at Backheeled! - that plays on a baseball field and doesn't stand out in terms of commentary or stadium in the second tier? There are two arguments to make. First, mistakes are fun! Second, Memphis still has the offensive talent to be very exciting.
So far in 2023, it's been a lot more of that first point. Like, watch this concession from their second game of the season; it's borderline comedy. You can throw a lot of shade at Stephen Glass for the roster build that ended up with a striker, Rashawn Dally, at left back, but injuries to Rece Buckmaster (80th percentile Goals Above Replacement last year) and Leston Paul (2,200 minutes as a holder) are massive and assure Yakkety Sax-able errors for the time being.
That said, there's so much to like in attack. Aaron Molloy has the best passing range in the USL, and he's a reigning MVP finalist. Phillip Goodrum dropped 20+ goals last year and may just quiet (loud?) quit. I could go on about Lapa, Kelly, and Kissiedou (nearly 40 goal contributions last year), but you get the point.
Tier 3: Check Your Local Listings
Loudoun United
I feel mean for putting Loudoun down here, but they're still top half, and they'll keep climbing if they stay as exciting as they've started in 2023. I adore everything about their attacking line, which combines USL diamonds-in-the-rough (Zach Ryan, Tommy Williamson) with excellent new additions (Panos Armenakas) to stand out.
The Cole Turner-Yanis Leerman center back duo is pretty clean, but they're required to cover enough ground behind the Ryan Martin press that things can get admirably frisky. There's also an improved fan experience in Virginia that plays well on the screen. Give me a bit more je ne sais quoi, and we're there with this side.
Birmingham Legion
Oh, I'm supposed to say more? Alex Crognale is as complete a defender as exists in the USL. Anderson Asiedu is my personal short king. Matthew Corcoran, just 17 years old, deserves all of your attention as a burgeoning midfield metronome. When Tommy Soehn lets this team press high in the 4-2-4, they're a blast.
Still, Crognale and Phanuel Kavita are way too stable as a duo for the mistakes I crave. Juan Agudelo on the wing or in the hole as a creator is drab, to say the least. The Legion lead in the league in shots but sit eighth in shots on target; there's a slight disconnect to make this a step below team must-see.
Orange County SC
Milan Iloski. Golden Boot, bicycle kick assists, yadda yadda.
I have to say more again? Luckily, Orange County is a team on the rise in the watchability category. Andrew Fox and Markus Nakkim both hover around the 80th percentile for passing volume as defenders; this team is a lot more controlled with the ball in 2023. Kevin Partida is back to being a wrecking ball of a No. 8, a player I fell in love with in Reno.
The main counterargument? This year's progress with the ball still leaves OCSC well above par in terms of long passes and aimlessly direct play, and the glare problem for some midsummer games renders first halves at Championship Soccer Stadium wholly unwatchable.
Tampa Bay Rowdies
Guess who's dead last in the league for shots on target so far? You can tell by the subheading, but it's Tampa Bay, who's barely getting two looks on goal each time out. Losing Leo Fernandes - that's 19 goals, nine assists, and an MVP award last year - to injury takes away a ton of this team's style as well.
The Rowdies have always been a defense-first side, and their impotence combines with a still-okay back line to create a bottom-quarter team in terms of shots and shots against. Basically, no one is generating chances when Tampa Bay rolls into town.
Counterargument: I love Charlie Dennis, and you should too. He's not Fernandes, but there's the germ of similar magic with the ball at his feet. Plus, Ryan Davis' accent is amazing, as are his insights on the color commentary job on Rowdies broadcasts, and Al Lang is a super venue on TV.
Oakland Roots
Assuming the Roots can pull a playable turf surface together, they're a decent side to watch. Noah Delgado refined the Juan Guerra 3-4-3 in a really successful manner that kept Oakland as a high-pressing, hard-charging side based around wing back play from Edgardo Rito et al., and that's fun!
Still, there's a lack of proven production in attack that makes the Roots a bit of a bore. Their Napo Matsoso-Irakoze Donasiyano pivot has some ideas, but there's not much of an exclamation mark in front of them. Anuar Pelaez or the Darek Formella-ssaince could change that, but the Roots are top-three for crosses and barely in the 60th percentile for shot attempts; in other words, the service and finishing are lacking.
I love the kits at least? And Neveal Hackshaw is the hair king of the USL when he's rocking the full 'fro.
Detroit City FC
You have to give it to the good folks in Detroit: they know how to create an atmosphere. Fun signs, an industrial-chic stadium, and the occasional appearance of a train make Le Rouge entertaining in a soccer-adjacent sense. Oh, and they lead the league in streakers per 90 minutes. I find their commentary team somewhere between grating and endearingly biased, which can be an issue.
Trevor James' penchant for mid-game changes and tactical swings mean that Detroit has staying power on a given broadcast, and Maxi Rodriguez rules, but this team is defense-first in a dull way. They hold 40% of possession on average, rank in the bottom-third for shots on target and crosses, and hoof it long at the league's third-highest rate. It's an effective if unappealing system.
New Mexico United
Say what you will about the visual appeal of the baseball-tinged pitch at The Lab, but New Mexico United always brings a good atmosphere on a stream thanks to league-leading attendance numbers. Empty stadiums hurt, and that's never an issue in Albuquerque.
Losing Cristian Nava for the year to an ACL tear hurts a lot; this is a thin attacking midfield already, and the rising 18-year-old star gave you some must-see spark. Santi Moar, Chris Wehan, and Amando Moreno - all above the 75th percentile for expected goals per 90 last year - add guile in interesting ways, but Zach Prince's tactics lean conservative in a manner that limits the fun.
Maybe we see improvement in the next 33 games? Prince knew how to give his team an attacking spark in the season opener against Miami; long may it continue.
Colorado Springs Switchbacks
As a person who's constantly trying to parse formations and tactics far away from the ball, Weidner Field might be my favorite USL venue in terms of camera angles. The elevation and scope of the shots from Colorado Springs are as good as it gets across the league, and that carries some weight in my nerd brain.
Still, with Hadji Barry, Cam Lindley, and Michee Ngalina out, a formerly top-tier team for viewing enjoyment is down big time. This team has been much more exciting than I feared in the offseason because of Jairo Henriquez - see Nicholas Murray's excellent recent profile - Deshane Beckford, and especially Patrick Seagrist on the flanks, but they're slow in the midfield and competently boring in the back.
Tier 4: Ludovico Technique
San Antonio FC
...can a goalkeeper be must-watch? Jordan Farr is making that argument. Even so, San Antonio is top-four in fouls conceded per game, leading to a halting tempo and lack of flow. They go long on 29.6% of their passes, which is three full standard deviations(!) above average. This isn't a pretty offense.
Last year's San Antonio team benefited from their beautifully organized defense, but injuries have undermined that pleasing chemistry in 2023. The central midfield has been particularly messy.
The broadcast team is decent, Mitchell Taintor and Connor Maloney still rule, and Cristian Parano and Justin Dhillon aren't rolling yet. Improvement will come. Even so, an old stadium design change looms large:
Bring back the Corner Store, then we can talk.
Monterey Bay FC
After a five-goal outburst in Week One, featuring a hat trick from Alex Dixon on his debut, Monterey seemed like they'd skyrocket up my watchability matrix this year. Frank Yallop's side has one goal in two matches since then, and they're dead last in the USL for crosses while holding 46% possession; this team just isn't built for positive offensive play.
I do think there's a certain charm to Monterey, and that comes from three main sources:
Sam Gleadle is super fun in transition and nasty as a presser.
Chase Boone is, uh, super fun in transition and nasty as a presser.
Hugh Roberts and Kai Greene have "would watch a buddy cop movie about them" energy in central defense.
Not enough control or central-midfield quality and meh kits, but Monterey is just fine overall.
Pittsburgh Riverhounds
Highmark Stadium is the best-looking venue in the USL, no holds barred. River views? Trains passing by? I'm sold. I think Charleston does the black and yellow better, but it's still a quality look, and the hoops are iconic.
On the pitch, Pittsburgh is more of a mixed bag. Given the deployment of stars like Robbie Mertz and Kenardo Forbes in more box-to-box kinds of roles, they're super blasé in the final third this year. Albert Dikwa is fun, and Bob Lilley knows how to activate the guy with clever set pieces - the Memphis game this March was a clinic! - but I'm still out on this team's offense from a visual standpoint.
Even so, nothing but respect for the dad of all dads when it comes to USL coach drip:
Stay perfect, Bob.
Miami FC
I love Joaquin Rivas like no other, and Mark Segbers - 83rd percentile expected assists last year, infinite freedom to bomb up on the overlap - is probably the most exciting full back out there. Even so, Anthony Pulis' squad puts up the fourth-least shot per 90 minutes, and overall shot volume for both teams in the average Miami game is bottom-three in the USL. They're grinders.
I do enjoy the complexity of the phase-based shape that Miami rolls out, but it's all just a shade too slow in terms of tempo and reliant on killing off momentum in both directions.
No offense to the good people of Miami, but FIU Football Stadium is a brutal environment to watch. It's so, so empty, and that stings. Plus, it seems like the eponymously hilarious "Riccardo Silva Stadium" moniker is no more? Sadness all around, but there's a big upgrade on the commentary in 2023 as a silver lining!
Hartford Athletic
After about two minutes of play in 2023, Hartford seemed like they could have some watchable upside in a messy sort of way. A mistake-prone start gave way to duller follow-ups, and this team is tied for fourth-from-bottom in terms of shots on target.
Elvis Amoh is one of the most underrated strikers in the USL and has been for years; Antoine Hoppenot is still a creative delight roaming around the final third. Unfortunately, Tab Ramos' decisions in the midfield have limited their ability to flex their soccer muscles. Danny Barrera's recovery from injury and a knock to Andre Lewis haven't helped, but Hartford is still top-third for long passes and fouls conceded; they're too physical and possessively aimless for my taste.
Credit where credit is due: the blue-green color scheme works, and their green kit with a sweeping blue accent at the bottom to match their shorts is a big win.
Rio Grande Valley FC
Maybe I'm just mad at their insistence on Friday and Sunday matches so far, or maybe bland kit designs out of an otherwise-neat orange-and-blue palette rub me the wrong way, but the Toros are a tough sell for TV. H-E-B Park photographs poorly because of the elevation of the stands on the far side of the pitch, and poor sound design on the broadcast renders the commentary overbearing. The sheer size of the field is also a camerawork challenge.
What works? Rio Grande Valley games this year have generated the third-most shots of any team's matches. Jonathan Ricketts is a fantastic crosser on the right, and he's clicked instantly with the resilient Christiano Francois. They're less exciting in the press as compared with 2022, but they aren't bad in that area either. At a certain point, I'm just picking nits, because I do find the RGV presentation passably good.
Las Vegas Lights
I genuinely like the cut of this Lights team's jib. Cubo Torres and Pato Botello Faz up top? The Andrew Carleton experience in the midfield? Love it. A super-compact 4-4-2? I can ride for it so long as this team is dynamite in transition. They've held 35% of possession on average but rank seventh in shots on net! That's efficiency.
What I can't brook is the Las Vegas broadcast:
Shaky handheld camerawork with slow reaction times, a way-too-flat angle, and odd light glare off of that smoke combines to make for a miserable time as a fan. This team isn't much in terms of commentary, either. The havoc factor of fun kits and colors plus sideline mattresses is a pro, but the bush-league telecast dooms Las Vegas here.