'Tis the season to photoshop Santa hats on one player from every USL Championship club! I've done just that and broken down why that individual captures the Christmas spirit. This is a dumb concept worsened by numerous strained puns, but I hope y'all enjoy. Happy holidays!
Birmingham Legion
Matt VanOekel
Easy pick here for beard reasons alone. A proper Santa Claus needs some epic facial hair, and VanOekel fits the bill and then some.
Charleston Battery
Robbie Crawford
While Crawford lacks the classic appearance traits you'd want, few players in the USL play a better diagonal ball. What better gift is there than a perfect pass over the top into the final third?
Colorado Springs Switchbacks
Hadji Barry
I know Barry was sold off to Egypt late in the 2022 season, but his transfer fee of about $750,000 is more than enough to fill a stocking.
Detroit City FC
Devon Amoo-Mensah
Amoo-Mensah's return to the field after a midseason injury is the best gift under every Detroit fan's tree this winter. Visions of slide tackles ought to be dancing in Trevor James' head.
El Paso Locomotive
Yuma
Santa has a beard and all, but I also associate him with flowing locks. Yuma's the guy in that category. He might be too violent on the field for this, but, hey, Billy Bob Thornton's Bad Santa movies are a thing.
FC Tulsa
Brett Levis
Canada is the closest real thing to the North Pole, so Saskatoon's Brett Levis - newly added by Tulsa - gets the nod.
Hartford Athletic
Tristan Hodge
More like Tristan Ho-ho-hodge, eh? That's all I've got. The Trinidadian defender is going to be good this year, and I can't pass on a terrible bit of wordplay.
Indy Eleven
Jesus Vazquez
Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Jesus' birth, so I'm required to go for an actual Jesus. Cheers to the ex-Toro. Also: Mark Low-wreath.
Las Vegas Lights
Llama
So, uh, the Lights don't have any players on the roster right now. What to do? When in doubt, turn to the llamas. I'd proudly let a red-nosed llama guide my sleigh.
Loudoun United
Tommy Williamson
Loudoun has two players right now, and Williamson has the spry and youthful look of an elf. Think about the one from the Rudolph special!
Louisville City FC
Brian Ownby
Ownby is another beard pick. This thing is one of the best, fullest examples of facial hair in the USL and deserves a shout. Honorable mention for "O come, o come Emanuel Perez..."
Memphis 901 FC
Rece Buckmaster
Look at Buckmaster's ears, folks. Pure elf energy. He's also a shorter, stouter sort of player with an elfin-workshop name.
Monterey Bay FC
Hugh Roberts
Roberts is known as one of the best dudes in the league, and this is a season of cheer and joy. Throw in that beard, and he's deserving.
New Mexico United
Santi Moar
Sant-a Moar. Next. New Mexico literally did a bunch of Santa hat promotions on Twitter the day before Moar's return was announced.
Oakland Roots
Paul Blanchette
I don't really have a good reason here, so why not reward Paul the Wall? Also, check out that headshot. Very intense eye action.
Orange County SC
Milan Iloski
This was hard for me. Orange County has a thin squad, and "-ski" has some winter vibes. The Golden Boot winnner also has an industrious elf look from a certain point of view.
Phoenix Rising
Darnell King
Juan Guerra's squad is lacking for options right now, though Uzo Onuorah as "Uzo Menorah" was right there for me. Better to honor a veteran of lower league soccer in the end. "King of kings" works too.
Pittsburgh Riverhounds
Marc Ybarra
Bear with me here. The magi brought frankincense, gold, and myrrh. Lacking options, how do we feel about Myrrh-c Ybarra? It's awful, but it had to happen.
POST-PHOTOSHOP NOTE: So, uh, Robbie Myrrh-tz was right there. Whoops. Small brain problems.
Rio Grande Valley FC
Christian Pinzon
"Christian" easily transmutes to "Christmas," so Pinzon is my guy for the Toros. His midseason loan carried RGV to the playoffs in 2022, so there are gift vibes here as well.
Sacramento Republic
Nick Ross
St. Nick! Ross seems like a perfectly lovable Scottish midfielder, and his small but thick beard is passable.
San Antonio FC
Matt Cardone
I know I've used the beard cop-out to much, and Cardone is retired, but c'mon. This thing is the cream of the crop. Truly Clausian. Yet another win to cap off a great year for San Antonio.
San Diego Loyal
Ebenezer Ackon
Ebenezer? At Christmas time? Game over. Ackon is no Scrooge and seems like a cool dude, but I'm laughing at the idea of Landon Donovan being visited by the ghost of Jurgen past.
Tampa Bay Rowdies
Leo Fernandes
Another one for the elf category. Nick Law's beard could've worked, but I was able to photoshop this such that Fernandes' right ear popped above the hat. Hard work, folks.
The Miami FC
Noah Abrams
No-el Abrams is the crux of this pick, and it's just shitty enough to really hammer home the quality of this "article." Happy holidays once again, everyone.
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